Crash

I've had a crash over Christmas.

All that time spent with 'normal' children, including his sister who is developing and hitting milestones almost daily, has just put a big spotlight on how behind he really is.  I've started crying again and feeling so very helpless.  It's just some stupid FMR1 that he needs, if he had that he would be everything he can be.

Argh!  That sounds so awful, like I'm saying he's not awesome how he is.

It's hard to put into words.  I just feel so terribly awful for thinking it and being the one who did it to him and not being able to do anything about it.  Of course the more I crash the less stuff I do with him at home and that just make the guilt worse.  Not to mention means he runs around like a lunatic looking even more....disabled.  Is that the right word for him?  I don't know.  He doesn't seem disabled to me.  He's different and challenging, but he's also loving and he does the cutest things.

He's recently started wanting to 'help' with everything.  He puts his hand on the vacuum cleaner as I run around vacuum.  He pushes the bags into the bin as I change them.  Yesterday he tried to help his aunt and I carry the Guinea Pig hutch out.  He opened the gate when asked and then walked beside the hutch with his hand on it as we carried it out.  I think that's good.

Maybe it's just the FXS depression hitting.  It's a common problem and I've always had ups and downs.  Maybe I'm just feeling really down and overwhelmed because of that.  This Fragile X is such a guessing game.  You never really know what's happening.

Well I'd better go.  Merryn is wailing, while watching Dr Oz so I better go and find out if she just wants the channel changed or if there is something actually wrong.